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[07 Dec 2004|06:40pm]
i have no idea what i'm doing, or what i've been doing. and now i find myself in a rabbit hole. how long have i been here? its no one's fault but mine. everything is such a mess. absolutely everything. nothing feels right. nothing gives me comfort. my mind and heart are sputtering. and i feel stupid for having any of them take up so much of my time. all of them. in the hopes for something bright and fantastic. i only destroy myself. only thing in my hands are my own blood and intestines. meanwhile everyone else gets to walk away. i ain't got no one to depend on but myself. thats how it is and thats how it always has been. i can't help but wonder if this is all intentional. if i do this to myself. as if i knew this was going to happen all along. i tend to do things like that. self-sabotage. i shouldn't have trusted anyone. don't even feel like i should trust the dreams of my heart. i shouldn't have given myself to anyone. i should have never allowed myself to be this vulnerable. every time i let myself go and think it might be my time, everything crashes down on me. i'm feeling like i never had a chance. born to lose. because of who i am. because of what i want. stupid boy. you should have known better.
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[06 Dec 2004|10:22pm]
so friday was the release party for my magazine. can you believe it? it happened. and i think it was one of the biggest successes in richmond. which is a mouthful. but there's really only a few people pushing the envelope and trying to do something for this town. and thats we did. i think we were able to open up a few ears and a few eyes. the next day people told me everyone who is everyone was there. that everyone and their mother's brother was present. congratulations, me. you're finally making something out of yourself.

in the midst of the celebration. the tiger arrived at a dark hour. scaredy cat. meowr meowr. so hesitant to embrace but so willing. she brought me a sweet slice of pumpkin pie. it was so awkward at first. but then we got used to each other's smell. we got used to how our eyes lingered over each other. and when we woke up from our catnap, there was nothing but us. and she hated that.

i can't manifest words to describe things. she knows i am falling for her. i dont know what she wants from me. no clue as to what she is or what she feels or what she wants. but i dont think she knows herself. i cannot be sure if she just wants to tame me and keep me in a cage to feed me the occasional milk... or what... why does she tell me no but keep saying yes... i'm so confused. and i'm afraid of doing anything drastic or doing anything at all. i'm afraid of letting her have me. yet i just lay my body and soul on the table and let her do what she wills. i have never done this before. i have never offered myself as a sacrificial lamb. and i keep reseaming and reseaming. and then i think of how precious she felt in my arms. and how her heart skipped when i rested my head on her chest. and i am shut out from any idea of what or who she is. and she runs so frightened. then creeps back. i just wait patiently.

because what can i do? what is there to do? and yet, what am i really pushing for? what can become of this? there is the seperation of distance. there can be intervals spent together. a constant presence via phone wires and letters... but i wonder what the fuck is going through my head... and why it doesn't matter....

am i fool? i am not sure... and just like she does, i tell myself i shouldn't do this. that i should find something else. that this is all a mess and she will only hurt me. i look for any kind of logical reasoning. but i come up empty handed.. and can't help but give so much of myself willingly to her. and i cannot tell if she wants it, much less likes it. she seems to. why else would she drive 400 miles to spend less than a day with me... and now it seems like we're closer than ever, yet further than ever. now it seems impossible to break away from this. and she will even harder now to destroy this. and maybe it will work. or maybe we still won't be able to help but call each other. we are able to break down the barriers that we hold for each other and the rest of the world. we share sweet simple words that take jabs below the belt. we are at once brother/sister, elderly husband/wife, young lovers.
this is nothing i have ever felt. encountered. or imagined.
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[21 Nov 2004|04:29pm]
falling asleep to the embrace... waking up to the cold.... a time to myself... counting down to the moments waited upon... daily correspondence helps ease the mind... two felines frolic in the words that roll off the tongue.. the roles are uncategorized... pacing our meal... searching for scissors to cut this length... whose dance to take... it is time to clean myself... this upcoming week will be intense... driving off cliffs... celebration of 22 years... all i need is one caress...
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[15 Nov 2004|03:31pm]
delete delete delete. my mouth longs for something to sink my teeth into. i want to taste the flesh. and i know that i only do this to myself. everything was laid out before me and i walked right into it. i weave everything, even though sometimes i don't realize it. it is very strange. that sometimes i spit on myself. however, ahh the exhilaration. it keeps my blood flowing. otherwise i would get so bored. i latched onto nothing. a dream! a fool's dream! such a cruel joke i play upon myself. laugh laugh laugh. its so common. i should be used to this by now.
and it is replaceable. i am in the pond jumping from stone to stone. stepping stones. to get to where i need to be. sometimes i might fall but i can always pick myself back up. and that is what it is. it is not my time. i can only keep looking towards the road in front of me.
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[12 Nov 2004|01:09am]
this song could either annoy the living shit out of you or you will totally love it. jill hated it when i first played it. i hoped that she would like it, but... well... y'know... anyway, broken japanese lyrics with drum claps and congas over a trash can beat... opening up with a call for all chickenheads ("ba-gock!"), on to lyrics like: "shake your body body / move your body body / jump your body body / paris hilton"... "would you like to look at my sex tape / natural beauty, photogenic/ always ready to pose for facial"........ how could i resist? i would naturally cum in my pants if i heard this in a club...

life? currently feeling guilty for having a drink. do i drink much? i don't think so, but then there are these moments where i think that i do. it makes me think of my harvard graduate of a stepfather and how he would drink himself to sleep on the couch with a bottle of wine or two while my mother cries to herself in the guest bedroom. and i get into this endless disagreement with myself. no, you're hardly an alcoholic. but, denial... so that must mean... no, jesus... but... no... its strange how the mind can split itself in two and argue with itself... of course, a drink a day, the doctors say...

but my life has proved to be far from dull, you might say. the magazine has not yet been printed. september? no. october? no. november? it looks that way. the release party is on december 3rd. we're buying the club from this band for the night so it'll be on first friday. two floor club. no liquor, just beer. oh, and they have a pizza oven for all the sXe kids. and we'll have girl talk, chariot, jazz addicts... of course, dj krames in between sets... and possibly the gaskets and disco elixir. it'll double up as an art show with work from a bunch of kids. which just reminded me. i have to start working on shit to put in the show! ah... all the while we'll be selling merch. and we'll have some local sponsors and there's going to be giveaways. honestly, richmond has never had a show like this. the variety of genres! you'll have the nerdy knob twiddler standing next to the sleeved indie rock boy next to the wanna-be-black hiphop kid next to the art fag next to me! art, pop, glitch, beats, rock = a formula for fun. its actually very ballsy, and i can't wait to see people run out the door when greg (girl talk) does his thing and comes close to blowing the speakers with noise. ahhh man.....

school has been quite easy. i'm not so confrontational anymore. things run a lot smoother. i am doing well. i don't make the point of standing in the spotlight. i still think most of my classmates are idiots and sometimes i hate having to work in class because i have to listen to these girls run their fucking yap about the most trivial bullshit. i only really talk to one or two people. of course, i've always got something on my mind.
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[25 Jul 2004|02:50pm]
out of it. so out of it. jonathan's b-day party lasted til the break of dawn. talked about the magazine with dylan thereafter. alison has been staying at my house for the past week. its kind of odd because what seemed to be a weekend visit has prolonged indefinitely. but just about everything in the magazine is settled, content-wise. we're still waiting to confirm evan hecox and we're pushing on tylenol to give us an interview regarding their sponsorship of the arts, but we've been given the run-around. we have a staff meeting tomorrow. dylan needs to coordinate better because people always seem surprised when i remind them of it. i'm slightly worried, slightly not, that the photographer isn't going to show up tomorrow. because if she does, thats it. final straw. i mean, first of all. the girl is a photographer. used for the fashion shoots. second, she gets the nerve to: a) say that she doesn't want to be a part of a magazine filled with ads (who else is going to fucking pay for it?), b) says that she wants to proofread every article before it goes to print (i guess she forgot that there is two editors armed with spellcheck?), c) she says she won't pay for the film or expenses, and d) she hasn't even checked the mail account we set her up with where we constantly send out pertinent information. the thing is, is that the magazine is a joint effort. some of the people involved i didn't expect to put a lot of money in or anything like that, but they're more than willing. for this girl to have missed the last two staff meetings and to have not even bothered to checked her email, i mean... who the fuck does she think she is?
beyond that, the restaurant jill works at gets stranger and stranger in a very kinky way. jill catches a coworker being spanked by the owner of the winery next door. another coworker gets emotional on jill, falls for her, then guilt trips her for not falling back. and then i just find notice that one of the owners of the place, the same guy who made the pizza i'm eating, has a baby with a girl that i had a pseudo menage a trois back in the day.
and i'm waiting to hear back from neomu. i sent in submissions for the new issue and i'm wishing upon a star. i'm worried, though. i feel like my concepts were solid, but perhaps they weren't properly executed in terms of technique. but maybe i'm asking for too much, since i'm already in faesthetic. but, there's never anything wrong with aiming high.
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[15 Jul 2004|10:21am]
status update: jazzanova last saturday. rocked the house. jill and i got in a fight and ruined it all. she puked on the car ride back. it made me feel better. everday it becomes harder and harder to sleep. i don't really understand how i'm functioning. in terms of the magazine, i have diplo's phone number. the fiery furnaces interview is about to be set up and i'm waiting to recieve an album from their publicist. waiting to hear back from andy mueller to see if he can do the poster. hoping he will hurry up. trying to get jimmy edgar to do an interview, but i think he's giving me the run-around. possible evan hecox interview which would be dope and i would be forever indebted to a certain someone. absolut might possibly do an ad. we're about to go into the second wave of throwing ourselves at advertisers.
tonight is tame one at the raygun. if only el da sensei was there so i could just hear "wrong side of the tracks"... tomorrow alison is coming back down and wants to start a bonfire at the river. we're going to sit down and talk about raising money. today is a red bull and banana for breakfast.
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[08 Jul 2004|10:53am]
wow. looking towards the horizon has never felt so good.
we've got interest from singapore to brazil to paris right now. kustaa saksi, ben&renee, andy mueller, craig metzger, nando costa, basit khan, and miika saksi are all interested. i feel like that in itself is a job well done. i try not to overanalyze the situation because i get neurotic and overwhelmed. she mentions that she hopes we don't fail. i try not to even consider that an option. we're in the process of contacting advertisers and seeing just how good a deal we can get with printing. i've been trying to figure out some methods for distribution. right now it seems like we would be able to gain more support from the online community. tomorrow we're having a meeting with the rest of the staff. i have to pull in joey and travis and make sure they'll be there.
it was julie's bday yesterday. lovely time. complimentary champagne. blue margaritas. pool hall blues. she just about passed out in the alleyway with her pasta by her foot. good times. though liz has been pushing the limits with me lately. she seems like she's trigger happy to call me an 'asshole' anytime she can. its nice to have a friend since 8th grade.
there's a lot on my plate. i've been manic as shit. its a thin layer of sleep without my pills. i've got to finish up a few submissions. i'm supposed to talk to this restaurant about doing their website. but then i was told that the owner would like to 'draw' me. apparently it has something to do with me being in a hot dog suit in the latest issue of chew on this. horrible magazine, by the way.
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[02 Jul 2004|10:42am]
i'm out of what makes me go to sleep. my lullaby was fighting until 4am. i told you i'm tired of losing sleep over it. not that i could have fallen asleep anytime sooner. ASAP calling and threatening at 9am. meeting at 10am. coffee stains on my shirt. jealous of markus karlsson for his internship at big active. ask yourself: "why do i have to be stuck in such a backwards lame ass town?" observe the future generation of graphic design. interested in what the outcome is going to be. wondering if we'll be able to beat the homogenization. hating myself for not snapping out of this daze i've been in, not doing/not creating. on the bright side, dylan has me involved in his slow education zine. on the other side, alison repeatedly tells me theres no money in magazines, though he wants me involved in his start-up as well. i need to sit down and conceptualize.
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[30 Jun 2004|10:51pm]
it took me off guard. i had a dream about you when i took a nap. wow, i know. whodda thunk it? it wasn't romantic in the typical sense. i woke up feeling forlorn. james was there. your sister was there. i made a comment to myself that she had gotten cute. dylan was in the dream, which is strange. i even think jill was there. which made it even weirder. you and i were both watching each other from a distance in the arms of our lovers. i think we were at this high school dance (??) of your sister's. and dylan had made a mix of mp3's off of his computer. he played vitalic's "la rock" and then dropped it into a breakdown. the europeans loved it. it seemed like we were so happy to see each other, but there was nothing we could do. restraint and collapse. i laugh at kate for still reminiscing upon a guy who broke her heart and how it still influences her relationships. but i'm just a hypocrite.

yesterday, ASAP calls me up to tell me that i have an outstanding balance of $200 and that i need to update my address, or else i go to jail. so i ran to skeven-eleven to put the $$$ in a money order and jammed it in my back pocket. somewhere along the bike ride back to my apartment, that shit fell out. so now i have to go through some almighty bureaucratic shit to get a refund before some jackass finds my blank money order and cashes it. good times, good times.

funny but not so important: talked to jimmy edgar on myspace today.
he says: "hey mr. blackeye, wanna fight?"
me says: "i'm too old for that."

honestly. its no surprise that those kids thought of charlie as some guru. he was onto something.
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[28 Jun 2004|11:34am]
okay. people. let's quit with the bullshit. i've been with micheal moore since his show on nbc in the early 90's, and yeah, i tend to agree with much of what he says. but shut the fuck up about fahrenheit 9/11... of course, he's just exercising his right for free speech. but, he's really not saying anything that people shouldn't already know about. perhaps thats his point. to prove just how distorted mass media is, and, that the majority of americans don't know shit. it's amazing to see how many people are spoon-fed. the homogenization of this country runs rampant.
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[28 Jun 2004|11:06am]
the daily grind of the summer blues. where monday actually means monday, which means, work. luckily, i'm working as a webmaster for the finaid dept at vcu. unfortunately, the job is mundane as possible. super-bored x 10. however, its something that could possibly last for the next two years. along with that comes drinking. a lot. this morning i awoke with everyone still up from the night before with the bartender from alley katz handing out free beer and talking a lot of shit. pbr substituted for coffee.

saw !!! the other day... i didn't buy any merchandise, but i was grateful that i could cop the tour's bonus cd, completing my discography of the band. i think the funniest moment was talking to john, from the band, and how he thought he knew me and started talking very casually until i broke down and told him we'd never met before. oh, and drew acting like i was the plague as he and his girl walked by me on the street. very good show, by the way.

yeah. sorry. i've been trying to break up with her for the last month or so. but its a situation of breaking up and then waking up the next morning in her bed. things start all over. and all around me are relationships that are hanging by a thread. it seems like everyone could collapse by the touch of a feather.

i am slowly withdrawing from the medication. i can sense what lies ahead. sometimes my mania is all too present. sometimes i'm deep in a hole. i'm just hoping that i haven' t fucked up yet. there's a lot going on in my mind. its hard for me to say...

alison happened to randomly show up on friday. what became one night at my apt turned into three. him and i resonate from within each other. we all decided to go to the river at sunset, where we ran into some hippies from a commune sitting around a bonfire. i remembered how at one time i was asked to join that particular commune. everyone had a moment while sitting in pseudo-nature. then she and i wandered off and made love on the rocks.
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[16 May 2004|04:19am]
strange dreams. where monsters are involved. i realize these creatures are only manifestations of myself. they exist inside of me, in my blood. they are a part of that deep dark hole that i try so hard to cover up. it scares me to know that there is a part of my personality that i'm out of touch with, that has the possibility of killing me in the end.

in-between three apartments. with her support. i can't wait for the dust to settle and i know where the fuck i'm standing. i've been so stranded lately. not even my parents can reach me. the job keeps things at an even pace. there's other possibilities out there, as well. but right now i need structure.

"i can only challenge myself but so much."
oh and then she needs correspondence. reaches straight out of the fucking blue. a blast from the past, sitting there, waiting in my inbox. and of course i go along with it.

give me a minute. i'll talk to you later.
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[28 Apr 2004|08:56pm]
i hate it when 3 of your girls tell you at the same time, "you can do better." there's only a few others that might possibly do better. really though, richmond doesn't have a lot to offer. scenester queens, chickenheads, hippie chicks, and/or whatever. plus, everyone sleeps with each other. and who wants to wake up with a bad rash? i feel like what i have now is quite possibly some of the finest that richmond has.....
besides, comfort + great sex + support + great sex = what more can you ask for? thinking i can do better leads to trouble.
trust me, i know.
and so, at this moment, i do not have any idea of where i'm living. (thanks, kate. i love you!)
in two days, the lease for my apt is going to expire, and i must go. where? i don't know.
i should be making more of a deal of it than i am. it looks like there is a good possibility of me couch surfing for the next month or two.
my scoop of ice cream has just been delivered.
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[25 Apr 2004|11:33pm]
life has given me a spoonful of loneliness and i'm not sure about the taste. can i cure myself? time is moving rapidly, building up to the climax of summer. such a hot hot summer it will be. this climax will bring a much needed change, but the outcome is unknown. the kids have moved out and i'm left standing here alone. i now believe in the word ghost, though i'm not sure if i'm the one or if its reality. this house has been in my life for the last 3 years and there's a probable chance that i'll never see it again. its grown old and the dust is more alive than anything else. this place stands as ruins for memory. nothing is ever ever constant, as seen through my eyes. the only thing constant is change. and, do you think its better to kill something while it has it's vigor? or, let time deal with it?

my brain has kind of been in sleep mode. it always feels good to have a chance to float, but life is getting kind of hectic here. i need to wake up. this weekend all i did was stay in bed, skipping the daylight and instead creating my own. i'm studying rammellzee's message of gothic futurism instead of murakami's superflat. i'm supposed to be writing a paper. but i've always found rants against paul miller [aka dj spooky] more interesting. pretentious versus pretentious is always the best. when i saw you the other day, i asked, "are you sure we haven't had sex?"

pet me.
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[21 Apr 2004|02:41pm]
everything was a rush. borrowed time from another. anonymous witness to the scene of the crime.
throwing resumes out left and right. pollen comes through the window and settles on my alarm clock.
and, i went and saw stereolab up in DC last night, all expenses paid. and you didn't.
i said, "thanks."
she said, "you needed it."
lovers rock.
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[18 Apr 2004|09:11pm]
i just wanted to let you know,
beauty could never be a saving grace.
in terms of design, without content, the form is meaningless.
its funny how we all end up thinking we're invincible. no one is going to touch us.
that kid is sitting in a coma. the knife went deep and sliced a part of his outer membrane.

a letter to no-one:

in all honesty.
there are strange things about me.
like, instead of me reaching out to someone close to me, how i'll reach for someone who isn't there, or is emotionally/physically unavailable.
someone who can't hug me back and tell me its okay. like right now.
i'm wondering why i feel so alone underneath my skin. i've got many friends, many associates. i don't understand why i never use them, why sometimes it seems like i can't use them. i don't know if i could ever sustain a relationship. i've always felt that i'm a loner, maybe thats who i'm supposed to be. i feel like i've got to find the answers on my own. maybe thats why i do the things i do.
i've always wondered if people get as much noise as i do in my brain. where the world falls silent because all i hear is what is inside of me. building up, wanting to be released. and i have no idea how to release it. sometimes it makes me want to break down, cry a little. sometimes i want to scream until my vocal chords rip. this is something i've lived with since a child. sometimes it gets so hard, when i can't think, when i can't function. when you're trapped inside your own mind. i'm sitting here wondering if i'm okay. i honestly don't know the answer. maybe that in turn gives me the answer. i don't know if i'm staring into the hole or staring back out from it.
i'm thinking that maybe it might be a good idea to go to tidewater for the summer. to get away from richmond. i don't have any reason to stay.
i dont know what to expect anymore. and, i know you didn't want this letter. so out of the blue, so random. we barely know each other. i never know when or if i'll let someone. but i needed to talk. there's so much on my mind. you don't have to reply to this. you can't really reply, y'know? i guess, just sit and nod your head, then let it go.

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[18 Apr 2004|07:33pm]
here's that urge again, wanting to kick everyone out of my life. the thought that maybe by being alone i might feel satisfied. dependence on people irritates the fuck out of me. i wish for it no longer. i'm wanting to close everyone out, to seal up the cracks. i don't want to let anyone in. they all make me vomit.
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[18 Apr 2004|04:08am]
hibernate the rage. hibernate the real.
you wonder how many holes you have in your lungs. but do you care?
i could twist the knife in your back and you still wouldn't let go.
oh honey, this ideal you have is silly.
plug into my mind and you just might understand.
the fear of wanting something is the fear of losing it.
tonight i stayed home and waited for.....
and now i hear the birds sing their wake-up call.
cassius clay will be here in the morning. i wish you were, too.
take the pills that give me my dreams.
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[17 Apr 2004|06:17pm]
out-of-town stranger. i've never done this before. you spilt cough syrup all over my desk. lick up the robitussin. i take care of you, you hold me tight overnight. while gone, she shows up later in the afternoon to try try again. no choice but a cold shoulder, lover. you say i'm a brain with a penis. i dont have much of a body left. i can't get over the feeling that you're more trouble than it's worth. let's eat muffins with sugar-coated cocaine. i remember the bright flashing colors and the unstoppable motion. lack of oxygen and increased seratonin. dreams from a past life that shaped who i am now. learning the difference between sharps and razors / racist skinheads and non-racist skinheads. a punk rock episode of cheers. everybody knows my face, not my name. everyone offers a hand just in case. today is bright and sunny deep inside my skin. burn, baby, burn. everyone in the house is lying in bed. its almost time to pack things up. distant drums in the background. a wasp patiently watches me from the corner of my room. its our choice the way we die. secretly, i wonder what the skies are like in california.
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